So which one is Terrie?

At no point throughout my life during the stages of my physical or emotional change was I not me.  In each and every moment I breathed, I was me.  And throughout each of the stages that you see, all have contributed to the person I am today.

During times of reflection, and in balance, I find that I have taken aspects of all of these moments.  The journey of life can be hard at times, even confusing, but by embracing every moment; whilst teaching and in the life experiences that we face, we can become more knowledgeable, not academically, but more knowledgeable about ourselves.  The way your emotions can alter your energies and thoughts, can change your whole day.

With meditation we can become more knowledgeable and we are able to process our energies and our thoughts.  As we sit in silence with ourselves, we let them go, preventing layers upon layers of negative and emotional scars being held within our self that cause upset and hurt, the same negative and emotional scars that prevent our true inner joy, our true self and our stillness from developing.

I am not going to say my journey has been easy, neither am I never going to never stop learning and developing, because we never do.  Using the right tools I am more my true nature and can recognise the signs of self-doubt and self-destruction, and so it is during these moments in our lives we need reflection, we need our tools, and for me, it’s meditation and yoga.

“If you seek enlightenment, or even if you seek happiness, go to the cause. Nothing exists without a cause. The root of happiness is compassion.”

His holiness the Dalai Lama

When I look back on the different stages of my life I can see the desperation I felt to be happy, to be accepted, to find real inner joy.  The way I would tell myself, talk to myself, and even the thoughts that I had, I would never dream of inflicting on another person, so why inflect them on me. 

I guess the biggest change for me at first was physical. I was the typical “I’ll start the diet Monday” type of girl, “I’m ok, I’m happy, I’m just big boned” and to all those who knew me, I was bubbly, happy and confident me!  Yet deep down I wasn’t.  I was anxious, depressed, unhappy and desperately seeking acceptance but from who!  

A sequence of extremely upsetting life experiences and difficult times put my life into perspective and then, a very prominent experience started that very change.  I decided to believe in myself, and realised that I could continue as life was just to short to half live, not being happy and not being healthy.  So, I put on a pair of trainers...omg! and I ran around the block for no more then five minutes, in the dark of course!  I just had to laugh when I eventually came back in the house and thought I needed an ambulance but that didn’t stop me, I took my first step and for the first time, I made that first decision that I believed in me!

For once I could do this!  So the next day I went again, the sick feeling when I finished the jog was real, I tell you lol but something shifted within me, it was this inner belief, the way I suddenly wanted to be happy and healthy and not subconsciously bully myself anymore!  And I will never forget the feeling of running my first one kilometer, I was so proud I could burst. I now had the confidence to go out and meet new people, believe in myself and yes; now I had the thought that I was good enough.  People could see me as being happy as I was now letting my true nature out, I was finding myself.

Through this time and transition in my life I found myself eating healthier and the weight was falling.  My confidence was growing, laughter was real and I was happy...or so I thought for the time being. That was until I started to become anxious, frightened I’d go back to the old me, that false unhappy, unhealthy me.  I saw food as the enemy and I felt that I needed to train more and more, weigh less and less and developed an unhealthy view on food, on exercise and on myself.   

Once again, I often found myself skipping meals all day to make sure I hit the ridiculous goal I had set upon myself.  I had a compulsive control relationship with my sub conscious and if something was out of my control, I had a meltdown emotionally within.  I would punish myself for being weak, telling myself I would become the old me!  I was so scared of my old demons, unconsciously I was living a constant battle and that was until I realised the old me was ok, it was me, Terrie!  It was not a new me, not an old me, but it was me that had all the answers, I just needed to listen myself.  I needed to learn to control to let go of all the negative emotions that I had endured throughout my life that was linked to these behaviors.

“We can break these chains. We make them up ourselves “

False Prophets “Baghdad Stomp”

So I stepped upon a yoga mat!  WOW there it was, a whole hour of stillness away from the little person within the self-consciousness bully (my ego I later learned).  I was hooked and wanted more!

As the months passed by, the more I practiced, the more I discovered myself and the more I fell in love with me, my true nature.  The inner critic didn’t control me anymore.  The layers upon layers of negative and emotional scars that society had built within, that I had endlessly chipped away at removing, were now gone.  I had now become healthy, not just physically but emotionally.  I had healed my inner wounds, developed my inner peace, through stillness and with meditation and yoga? I could listen and feel the energies (thoughts) work with them and let them pass.  I found my true self, the happy inner me maybe my inner child at times! Well a lot of the time lol! And that inner critic ego was no more in control.

“You are not the body and mind, you are the cosmic self, the I-am “

Shri Brahmananda Sarasvati

I knew I wanted to share this with you.  I wanted to give you the ability to do what I have done.  I wanted to give to you the tools that I have used, guide and support you to your inner peace, your inner joy, and your true nature.

So Which one is Terrie?  Well, it is all three of them of course!  I can confidently say that I am all these people. I am a little section of them all and I have become the person I am now with the experience of all three. I have become ME.   And when I feel that thought passing through the inner bully, I reflect on all three of them always working on being the best version of me.  And you can become the best version of you.